The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide
by WeAllFlyHigh
Summary: This is guide designed to inform fangirls  and boys about the Akatsuki in a semi-sane way. It also prevents one of my friends from strangling me. Christmas Edition!
1. First Edition

The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide

A word from the editor:

To ensure you fully understand the text our "dear" editor has included her comments in parenthesis.

_Greetings, fellow fangirls and boys. This is a guide made especially for you. Its purpose is to inform you of some things that you should know about the Akatsuki and prevent you from making some very damaging (lethal) mistakes. _

_You may find that you desire more information than what is available in this guide. If this is the case you can all blame our dear friend and co-worker, Jean. Jean was in charge of not only gathering information for us (like the ever important answer to the boxers or briefs question) but she was also supposed to get never before seen pictures of the Akatsuki. However, Jean failed at this mission._

_After two weeks of no contact with her it was the decision of our "Counsel of Fans" to track her down and demand answers. Regretfully we did not find her. However, we did find her shoe (with her foot still inside and signs of gnawing on it). The Counsel still has high hopes that she will be found and that a new edition of this guide will be released._

_We are aware that the Akatsuki is an S-class criminal organization that may come after us for creating this guide for you; it is because of this The Guide has been organized minimally._

_We also admit that we do not own the Akatsuki or any other characters from Naruto or even Naruto the series/ franchise. (This saddness most fans but I'll admit that the kind of things that would happen if we owned them might have caused the world, or at least some haters, to explode and so it's best we admire, or stalk, them from a far. **DISCLAIMED!)**_

B.N. Black

**The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide**

The Members:

All the members are sexy/hot. Don't say otherwise. If their fangirls don't get you, they will.

Nail polish is part of the uniform not necessarily a sign of homosexuality. (True die hard fans can use nail polish chips to help them discover which Akatsuki member was present and where they went if they're radar is not working.)

The Akatsuki could completely destroy Clucky.

All the members are attractive and have to follow all orders given to them (with varying levels of rebellion and back talk [swearing]). However all their missions required ninja skills, not skills in bed.

AKA: Pein and Madara are not pims.

Kakazu is… but (sadly) none of the members are working for him.

Konan is not a slut. She is not sleeping with all the Akatsuki. (She may be with Pain/Pein/Nagato. (?))

It is not considered a threesome, foursome, exec… if all of Pein's bodies are involved. It's still the same person. (Same goes with clones.)

Kisame's mother/father was not a fish. (If s/he was than he is in denial.)

Yes, the Uchiha clan was breed for sexiness. All members are inhumanly beautiful (And apparently are often mistaken for vampires. We have no idea why that would happen. It's not like they're silent, powerful, dark, emotionless, and their eyes turn red when they're hungry…we mean angry.) Bow down and worship them. (At least when their fan clubs around. They're vicious.)

Trying to kill you is not a sign of their everlasting love for you. (The only exception being Itachi and you should really convince him to give you flowers or something instead.)

"Fangirl" is like a swear word that even Hidan would not use. (Yes, it's that bad.)

Tobi is really Madara not Obito or Madara in Obito's body or anything like that.

Madara and Tobi are like 2 different people. One may want to play ball with you the other would like to play with your mind, in harmful ways.

Madara is like a 100 years old (give or take a few years). He does have wrinkles but he does not smell like old people.

Neither Deidara nor Itachi has ever cross dressed. The only member who has (and we can prove it) is Kisame and you don't want to know anything more than that.

Members will fight to the death over having to do dishes. This is how Kakazu's previous partners died. He really hates dishes and thieves. (Only if they're not working for him.)

Certain things are not art:

The memory of a civilian in a way too small bathing suit.

A tattoo on "none of your business" of "what are you talking about."

We are unsure if Sasori kept certain body parts or if he has some very interesting weapons. (We'd tell you to ask Rin but Sasori now controls her.)

Sasori isn't affected by teenage hormones, unless they manifest as psychopathic killing urges.

Some members are older than they appear. Don't treat them as if they are that age but keep in mind they aren't senile either.

Don't ask any member if they've forgotten their meds today. They're perfectly capable of remembering them. They just don't want to.

Kisame won't teach you how to swim.

Kisame is not a lifeguard. (He's more likely to drown you himself.)

Tsukuyomi is a very demanding_ battle_ technique that allows Itachi to take your mind to an illusionary world of his creation where he can do anything he wants to you. Itachi only uses this to torture people. (Don't ask for him to do anything else with it.)

"Sasori no Danna" is roughly translated into Master Sasori, as in someone who knows a lot about art. It doesn't imply a master/slave relationship or S/M. Even if it did Deidara isn't necessarily the uke. (The last statement is questionable.)

Once again we would like to remind you that Deidara's hand mouths are only used for art. (Some lemons say otherwise.)

Referring to sex as art is disrespectful and mock both art and artists. If you do this you will be made into "true art." (Both Deidara and Sasori [artists] are exempt from this.)

Pinocchio jokes are forbidden.

What Sasori does or doesn't do with his puppets is his own business.

Akatsuki members are not rapists. (You can't rape the willing.)

Deidara really is a man.

Deidara has the most fanboys. (Some of these poor souls refuse to believe that he is a man.)

Zetsu was not one of Orochimaru's experiments.

Zetsu may be relayed to Audrey 2. (If you're lost Audrey 2 is the mean green mother from outer space.)

Zetsu has really good manners. He won't play with you, aka his food.

The only memento Itachi has from Konoha (other than his headband) is a rape whistle which his mother gave him to help with his problem (fangirls). He still uses that whistle some days more than 25 times.

There still is a branch of the Itachi fangirls in Konoha.

Itachis' eyes are _dangerous,_ not pretty.

Itachi does not have any of Sasukes baby pictures. (He did at one time but Orochimaru took them with him. That's why Itachi tortured him instead of blowing his rape whistle when Orochimaru said he was going to tale Itachis' body.)

Sasuke once raided an Itachi fangirl base for info. (Thankfully all of them had escaped into the tunnels and got everything he did on camera, which they refuse to share.)

Yes, Kisames' and Zetsus' teeth are as sharp as they look. (Go ahead try to prove us wrong. Just remember that we are not responsible for your crazy ideas.)

Deidara does have two eyes. (He is also not a pirate.)

Zetsu does occasionally put his leftovers in the fridge because of this all other members have mini-fridges in their rooms.

The Akatsuki can totally take on Clucky. (Watch the abridged series, not the shippuden version, and you'll understand this.)

Akatsuki game nights have been banned.

Not all members drink alcohol. Some can't get drunk (Sasori). Some are forbidden to (Hidan, for many reasons). Some consider it a waste of money (This is obvious). Some prefer to wait until the others are experiencing their hangovers and then blowing stuff up. ("It's fun-un.")

It's not a speech impediment (un).

Caffeine is more precious than the jinjuriki. If one is staying in the same hotel as you and is enjoying the complimentary breakfast down stairs, it doesn't matter if you'll blow your cover or not. Go get that coffee! (Official Akatsuki rule.)

Zetsu does put some blood in his coffee (with three spoonfuls of sugar and no milk). Hidan had been forbidden from doing this.

Zetsu is the official fangirl repeller of the Akatsuki.

Zetsu was recruited by fangirls.

Kakazu does have to stitch every body part back on. He does not have to put them on correctly. (Don't piss him off.)

The Lair:

The Akatsuki lair is a like a typical bachelor except that some of the objects lying around on the ground can kill you.

In the Village Hidden in the Rain it rains like all the time. Don't wear white you will get wet.

All bases have anti-fangirl/boy security systems.

Dos and Don'ts:

Fangirls are considered everything from nuisances to helpful minions

The Akatsuki can contact fangirls and ask (command) them to assists them (become their minions).

Remember: The Akatsuki is an evil organization. All the members are extremely strong criminals and have been for many years. In conclusion, all their problems can't be solved with a hug.

Tobi is not a lollipop; you can't lick him.

When Itachi licks his lips, smirks, and says he's going to eat you, you'll probably be ok with that. (Giggle)

When Zetsu licks his lips, smirks, and says he's going to eat you, you should start running.

We're not sure what you should do if Kisame does that.

Deidara's hands are a fascinating feature. They're used to make things explode. So you shouldn't stick things in them. No gum, no bouncy balls, and certainly no fingers.

Sasori can't feel anything. (He's made of wood, if you didn't know that already.) However, this doesn't mean that you should write things on him. (Property of _. Don't touch.)

Don't drool on Akatsuki members. They don't find it to be cute, endearing, sexy, exec… Although Kisame may need to be in water for certain amounts of time. (Saliva is made of water and icky stuff...)

Cosplaying as an Akatsuki member is not a good way to sneak into their base.

You will not ask any member if it's their "time of the month" because they have bad temper. (Surprisingly Konan takes this best. She just rants and attempts to kill whoever came up with the phrase "Have a happy period." In other words she tries to kill someone else; other members try and kill you.)

Don't offer to help Hidan with his rituals. He only needs one other person and that position is not one you want.

They're ninja people. They have good senses and they know when you are coming. Only if you become a powerful ninja fangirl can you glomp them and not a log (and survive too ).

Be aware of fangirl conflicts. If the characters hate each other they may kill each other. This puts you in a very awkward position.

For example: fangirling Itachi, Sasuke, and Deidara is difficult.

Fangirling Itachi, Kisame, and Light is no problem.

You can't walk up to a member of the Akatsuki and pledge your eternal love for them. You can pledge your loyalty to them and become a minion but you remember how that turns out. (They get to become members if only for a short while.)

Don't mess up the nails.

Don't mess with any beauty products. Especially not the hair care ones. (Fellow fans will kill you for throwing of their sexiness.)

You aren't allowed to play with Peins or Konans piercings.

Magnets are allowed in the base but not in the same room as Pein.

This means there are either no magnets on the fridge or you have to remove them from the room before Pein comes for his coffee. It doesn't matter if he wakes up at ungodly hours or if he suddenly enters the room without warning. "It's your fault for wanting the magnets anyway." (Direct quote from Pein, the swear words were removed)

It's always your fault. The Akatsuki are always right. Don't argue. (Trust us on this one.)

If it is your day to do the chores you do them and be grateful they're letting you help in any way you can.

Especially for Yaoi fangirls:

Sexy no Jutsu doesn't really change their gender. Think of it as an illusion. (Easiest explanation)

Men and Women don't have the same exact internal or external body parts.

No matter how totally awesome the Akatsuki are they can't bend the rules of nature. (That's Sasuke's job.)

The Akatsuki can't have kids with each other. (Konan pairings being the only exception.)

Just because they're partners in crime doesn't mean they're partners in bed.

Attempting to kill each other is not a sign of sexual frustration.

Never ever make any comments about a member being gay unless you're absolutely sure they are or you have a death wish.

Unanswered Questions:

Does Sasori have finger prints?

Who were Kisames' and Zetsu's parents?

How do we get to the Naruto world?

When will the next Naruto Abridged come out?

Why do all my favorite characters die?


	2. Second Edition

**The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide Second Edition**

A really long word from the editor:

_First I would like to thank some people for their support of this Guide._

_Many thanks (and cookies) go to: 2278, 2lazy2thinkofaname, insanity75, Amber Incendia, Nine-Tails Jinchuuriki, EternalNightgirl, Amber-Wolf-Elemental, x15blackdragons, ADHDKunoichi, Warrior orb5, and ChildishDemon._

_An extra special thanks (and double chocolate chip cookies) go to two very awesome people. _

_Sakata-Bluemoon. Sakata- san (Can I call you that?) has answered one of the unanswered questions listed at the end of the last edition. "Sasori does have fingerprints even though he's a puppet because the grains in the wood of his fingertips would be unique to only a certain single tree - which is now his fingers - thus differentiating him from all other trees and humans (I don't know about humans though, I think so anyway)..."_

_I would like to add that if you suspect a seemingly ordinary puppet to be Sasori you should leave the area in a calm manner giving away no clue that you knew it was him. (You could also pledge your loyalty to him but you should do this when no one else is around otherwise it could cost you your life or your social life.) Just keep in mind that if the puppet is moving without any help it's him._

_The second person who gets the extra special thanks (and the second batch of cookies) is Guoste-chan._

_Gouste-chan says that all the Akatsuki go on VACATION (I refuse to believe the lies) is "cause Kishimoto wants to be scarified to Jashin sama by fangirls!" _

_Thank you for informing us of this Guoste-chan. Now I would like everyone to take a moment of silence so that we can send our thoughts, prayers, and hopes to Kishimoto-sensei so that he may feel empowered and full of youth and no longer suicidal. _

_Again thank you everyone._

_Now to business. After the publication of the last Akatsuki Fangirl Guide we received additional information from some of our co-workers who we thought were vacationing with Jean (Jean is apparently still hording her pictures far away from the "Counsel of Fans" who have instructed me to ask you, Jean, to surrender them and yourself to their mercy. I have already informed them that a shaman would be better suited to this task and have recommended Yoh). That being said welcome to the second edition of the Akatsuki Fangirl Guide (not the Shaman King Fangirl Guide, as we do not have any rights to that franchise.)that has ALL NEW information (medication not included). _

_B.N. Black_

**The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide 2nd Edition**

Narutos' World:

From our research (done entirely on fan sites) there seems to be two main theories on where the Naruto world is.

One is that it is a continent off the coast of Japan that is invisible to us due either to our inability to use chakra or it's hidden by some sort of jutsu. This theory often calls the Naruto world the Hidden Continent. (Seriously I didn't coin this term or idea.)

The second is that it is located in a separate dimension.

It is not in the past because they have trains (that no one seems to use), computers, and TVs. (Don't believe us, You can look it up but it'll take a couple weeks to re-read all the manga and re-watch all the episodes and movies. We recommend just taking our world.)

(We recommend reading some crossovers for reference. Have patience, they're not all bad. In fact, there are some really good ones.)

The Lair:

No lair (they have several) is to used for trafficking illegal substances.

All Akatsuki members are banned from entering the civilan areas of the Village Hidden in the Rain.

The citizens of said village have often demanded compensation for the damage done to their property due to certain Akatsuki (all but three members). These amounts have considerably lowered the organizations funds. (The medical bills are also expensive.)

Sixty percent of the citizens have been traumatized (and those are only the reported cases.)

There's a group of dedicated Hidan fangirls who wish to become Jashinists. However, they're unsure on how to proceed since they do not know much about Jashin. The following section is to help them on their path to (we're unsure of how to word this so we're just going to say…) enlightenment. (Keep in mind who informed you of this and don't make us a sacrifice to him.)

Jashin:

There is a holiday that honors Jashin. (We will not reveal when it is but we will tell you that it' not Halloween.)

We do not know what Jashin looks like. (Popular opinion tells us he's very hot.)

We do not know if Jashin swears as much as Hidan. (All that matters is that he's a death god, or something like that, and he will enjoy killing you.)

We can't say for sure that no one else worships Jashin in the Naruto World. However, judging by the reactions of Hidans victims we can assume that there are not many of them and if there are well, dead men tell no tales.

In conclusion, we know very little about Jashin. (He's not someone we can stalkbecause he's a god.)This situation won't change unless someone moves their lazy butt and goes to dig up Hidan!

The members:

The date this is published August 15th is Kakuzus' birthday. With this in mind we would like to inform you that he does except credit cards but prefers cash.

Kakazu has no problem with thieves (as long as they work for him). He also has no problem with violently tearing off their hands.

All members like control and will not to submit, not in an interrogation room, not in the bedroom.

They do not like the idea of being turned into cats. (Some seemed strangly interested in what it would like to be a girl.)

As of now the Akatsuki has no intention of forming a band.

The Akatsuki as a whole has more fangirls than any other group, whole villages don't count. (This information is debatable since there are very few fangirls that have only one object of their affections. I personally agree with this data.)

Zetsu does have a garden; not because he's related to plants nor because he sees them as potential romantic partners. It has nothing to do with his resemblance to a plant.

Kisame does eat fish however this doesn't make him a cannibal. However, Zetsu does eat both plants and people so matter which way you slice it, he's a cannibal.

The Akatsuki used to allow pets. However, when Kisames' fish went to the great fish bowl in the sky, on vacation, he was greatly upset and could not go on missions for several days. The situation was not helped when Kakazu cooked that fish for dinner. This caused Kisame to invent some tear based jutsus. This event is not talked about and it is well understood that no pets are ever to be allowed again. (How cute the kitten is does not matter.)

Tobi did manage to harbor some kittens in his room but their location was revealed when they ran screeching from his room in full lolita attire.

With the exception of Itachi, Sasori, and Pein, we do not know what happened to the members' family. (Past attempts to find out led to questionable answers, see first edition, and many "accidents.")

Everyone knows by now that Tobi is never to be given candy, energy drinks, or anything containing even the smallest amounts of sugar. It is a much less known fact that Itachis' sugar intake is to monitored. He can have some but if he has too much…terrible things happen. (We'll leave you to decide what those things are.)

Two things scare Hidan: babies and Elmo.

Konan purchased a rape whistle once she heard Hidan was joining.

Konan does not cook for the Akatsuki. It is sexist, derogatory, a waste of her time, and she is not allowed to poison them. Whether the poisoning would be intentional or if she really just can't cook is a mystery. (We're too short handed to risk our lives. [To the Counsel of Fans: if we should ever have to solve this mystery I suggest Tina be sent on that mission.])

Konans' room is not always cleaner than her male counterparts. Its condition changes based on Konans mood. If she doesn't feel like cleaning her room will look like all the others but when she wants it clean, it is spotless.

Konan uses her paper creations to do tasks for her, like cleaning.

Itachis' fangirls do not acknowledge everything Madara says to be true. For example, Itachi apparently had a lover that he killed in the Uchiha massacre. His fans are divided on this issue. Half of them deny this. (They'll throw things at you if you disagree.)The other half believes that she did in fact exist but have mixed opinions on her. Some say that for touching Itachi she deserves to die again and again with the deaths getting increasingly painful. Others honor her memory, provided she had pictures and kept a diary. (They want to live vicariously through her.)

Itachis' hair is kept long and in a ponytail to prevent spiky (some might say chicken but like) hair.

Dos and Don'ts

To all you who draw fan art or write fan fiction: guard them with your life. (It's the principle of the idea. They don't like that you have control over "them.")

If you happen to get into the Naruto World (Take me with you!) don't reveal that you're from another world. If it is revealed don't start down a list of all the characters that die and who kills him/her. (Remember that there's nothing we can do to help them no matter how much we want to. They may also hurt you for saying that.) You can mysteriously allude to it if you know that you have a fail proof escape. (We also recommend that you have a fog machine flashing lights and something to make your eyes glow if you do this. For no other reason than it'll look really cool.)

We realize that Kakazu has tentacles, strings, threads, or whatever the heck they are. (We don't want to get to close since he does use them as weapons.) We realize the… possibilities that come with such appendages. Keep in mind that just because that is the way things are doesn't mean they are_ that_ way. (Let me clear up that verbal vomit. Just because he has the tentacles doesn't mean he's into or does tent rape or bondage for that matter.)

Even if they are super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot don't tell them that. They can't possibly know references from other fandoms and the last thing you want to do is make them feel stupid. (That was a completely accurate and totally awesome reference.)

For heavens' sake if you ever manage to snag yourself an Akatsuki (without resorting to kidnapping and massive amounts of drugs) do not fool around. Your lover will be dead and if the member you were dating doesn't kill you the fangirls will make you wish he, or Konan, did.

If you can help it don't bring up the Itachi past relationship issue to anyone, especially his fangirls and Sasuke.

Even if they are just misunderstood don't say it, not to them, not to their enemies. They have an image to uphold. (Every Evil Villain values his image even more than taking over the world.)

If you really want to see an Akatsuki member dressed as a maid or anything else just dress up your plushie/action figure/computer character or learn the proper jutsu. Do not under any circumstances try to dress up the actual member. It's worse than giving a cat a bath.

Unanswered Questions:

Was it really that hard for Itachi to kill his lover? (Is that the right term?)

Who were Kisames' and Zetsu's parents?

How do we get to the Naruto world?

What do the Akatsuki have on their iPods? Do they have iPods?

When will the next Naruto Abridged come out? (They're still working on the movie aren't they?)

From the Counsel of Fans:

We respectfully ask that you review this edition and then donate to our funds. While we do not own the Akatsuki or any apart of the Naruto World we are apparently owned by them. We are now under the employment of Kakazu and he has decided that we're not making enough money. So our profits have to increase or we will be cut.

(_We don't know how this happened nor do we completely understand why. However, we are pretty sure that he means cut literally.)_


	3. Third Edition

**The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide**

_What is the difference between being a fan and being a fangirl/boy? This question has been debated ever since the first supposed fangirl/boy became what s/he is. We have attempted to answer this question._

_Fangirls/boys are more obsessive. They download and print pictures of their favorite characters. They own merchandise and cosplay. They re-watch episodes and quote often. They may even drool at their own thoughts. A fangirls/boys main characteristic is their squeal. But all these are things are also done by fans._

_So what is the difference? Maybe a there is no set list of symptoms and maybe there never will be. Just know that if you're reading something called __The _ Fangirl Guide__ you're probably becoming a fangirl if you aren't already._

_**Back to business!**_

_It has come to our attention that we have only focused on the original members of the Akatsuki (with the exception of Snakey). However they are not the only ones that can classify as Akatsuki. For this edition we will leave out all the minions but will include Team Taka and Kabuto. We are also including a special section for cosplayers._

The Lair:

Cameras are now forbidden. Kakazu started selling the pictures. (This just in; to purchase these limited photos please contact us or the suicide hotline.)

No smoking is allowed since Konan stepped on a not quite out cigarette and nearly turned to ash.

There are very few smoke detectors in the lairs (Actually there aren't any but we want to promote safety or something like that.) This is due to the amount of explosions and fires that take place on a daily basis, some are caused jutsus but cooking causes them too.

Blasting music through the lair to wake the members up is not allowed; especially if it is theme songs from little kid shows or Lady Gaga. No offense meant to Gagas' monsters but nobody wants to have Tobi singing Bad Romance or Judas during an epic Akatsuki vs. the world battle.

Kabuto:

Kabuto has never slept with Orochimaru nor thought about it. (This is his personal testament and we must not put too much faith in it considering he watched Oro take a shower.)

Kabuto, no matter how much you think is a creeper and believe deserves to die, is not our enemy. He brought many of the Akatsuki back, from vacation, so we can't rightful hate him, right now. (Well, we can hate him a little bit.)

It may be because we're attracted to murderous freaks (this is meant affectionately) but Kabuto does seem hotter now that he's "absorbed" Orochimaru.

Kabuto does have a set of dead bodies with him at all times. (Remember when he and Oro were taking Sai to the base.) What does he do with these bodies? We have decided that it's best if we don't know.

His hair is gray this doesn't make him old. (In fact have you noticed that the only old ninja with white hair is Jiraiya and his hair has always been like that. It seems to us that the ninja show little to no signs of getting old. Really only the third Hokage, Madara, and Danzo have wrinkles and Madaras' might be natural like Itachis'. We would like to start the rumor right now; if you're a shinobi your hair will never change color and you won't go bald. [Seriously, they all have great hair.] My apologies for the rant. ^-^)

Sasuke:

The Official Sasuke Fan Clubs' official statement on his being a rouge nin is that he will return and everything will be perfect. They also say that the reason for his return will probably be his love for Naruto/Sakura/Itachi/Ino/Lee/Gaara/Hinata/the girl who works at the Ramen shop/anybody/everybody.

Sasukes' sexuality has never been declared one way or the other. This is because Kishimoto-sama likes to mess with his fans. (He confessed to it in an interview. Which, I believe, is in the Official Naruto Fanbook?)

Sasuke is not a man-whore.

SasuNaru is one of the biggest ships in the fandom. (We're not joking it is.)

We assume that even though he was given lots of attention when he was young (We mean after the massacre.) he never saw a psychologist. (Great move Konoha.)

Sasukes' fangirls do bite.

Sasuke is a focused on revenge right not and romance is not his first priority right now. (This has had no effect on his fan base.)

Sasuke has several fan clubs in different villages. (Just like Itachi.)

The largest branches are in Konoha. Sound, and for some reason the Land of Honey. (We have no explanation and can only say we didn't make this place up. It's mentioned in episode 194. They claim that Sasuke should come visit them because they're the land of girls and honey, playing off the idea that a land of milk and honey is a paradise.)

The Konoha branch of Sasukes' fangirls has a Revive the Uchiha signup sheet. (They have kindly shared it with the other branches.) Their official policy is the more Uchihas the better.

To sign up you must write down your full name, address, so they know where and who to send the Uchiha, and any major health conditions you have, they would prefer healthy babies but having a condition doesn't mean you'll be overlooked. You must also put down the name of the living Uchiha you want. If you don't care which put N/A. (Judging by the amount of N/As on the paper they won't judge.)

The names will be drawn out of a hat when the time comes and there is no limit to how many drawings there will be. (So don't kill each other over whose name is first or anything.)

Team Hebi/Taka:

Jugo is a perfectly nice person despite his bipolar moments and attempts to kill people.

If Jugo hurts you remember it's not his fault and he didn't mean it. (We will never be able to say this about anyone else.)

Suigetsu was from Kirigakure that explains his teeth. (It's a fact that the 7 swords man did that and like many people Suigetsu copied his idols.)

Neither of Suigetsus' parents were fish.

Kisame is not Suigetsus' father. (Unless, his mother was secretly in love with Kisame.

She wanted to be with him but when her heartless father found out she was pregnant he forced her into a loveless marriage with another man. Unable to bear seeing his love with another woman Kisame left the village thinking it was for the best. Unknowingly he broke her heart. This tragic tale had been eating her alive all these years. So, she had planned to tell Suigetsu of his parentage when he was old enough to understand.

But when the time finally came fate cruelly prevented her from confessing by taking Suigetsu from her completely. Now she waits for boy to return home and hopes in vain that she, Suigetsu and Kisame may become a family … [I got carried away, sorry. I call dibs on that plot bunny!])

We don't know if Karin is a natural red head or not. Many of our agents feel uncomfortable investigating (creeping on) another girl and finding this information can be tricky. (Sadly, we are an organization of mostly females, and gay guys. Although this may seem sexist at first but it actually isn't. The truth is most of us join so we can learn about our crushes/future husband who's a member of the Akatsuki.)

Karin despite being a bitch at times (most of the time) has a very lovely singing voice. This excuses her somewhat racy attire because she is dressing like a pop star.

You can collaborate with Karin to capture/worship/rape your favorite member but you must make sure that she has NO interest in that member. (She doesn't like to share.)

The Akatsuki:

You will not ever call Konan a slut. (We know we've it before but here's an elaborated reason to go with it.)There is no proof that she has ever stalked, creeped on, had a crush on/was in love with, or planned to rape any member of the Akatsuki. Karin however, has done all of the above but you still can't call her a slut. (Suigetsu has that covered.)

Regardless of what you're personal opinion of Konan is you must treat her with respect. She may be your only ally in your plot to kidnap/rape/worship the male member of your choice. (We mean the male member of the Akatsuki, pervs!)

Konan is not made of paper. She just uses it like Gaara uses his sand. (There was going to be a funny remark on this but I suddenly forgot what I was going to say. -_-)

Hidan is not bonding with nature in that pit. (This is another bunny I've claimed.)

Hidan is known to bite; this doesn't make him a cannibal.

Just because Hidan take his shirt off when you're around doesn't mean he likes you. He just dislikes wearing shirts. (There's a rumor going around that he doesn't like wearing any clothes. If he makes himself "comfortable" around you…please send us pictures.)

Itachi has used the sharingan to win Dance Dance Revolution and other similar games.

The Akatsuki would be great in Pokémon. (We are not comparing them to Team Rocket.)

The Akatsuki does have a facebook page. Who actually runs it is a mystery.

The Akatsuki have not banned the Naruto FanFlash videos or even the Fun with the Akatsuki vids. So you can watch them with absolutely no guilt.

We mentioned in a previous edition that the Akatsuki are powerful ninja and they won't allow you to sneak up and hug them but we've had an idea. (A wonderfully terrible idea.) If the Akatsuki came to our world the perfect place to hide would be at a convention. As ninjas they would be compelled to fit in as to not be found out. So hypothetically, they would have to let you hug them! (WARNING: This is an unproven theory and if you die attempting it we are not to held in any way responsible.)

Proof the Akatsukis' awesomeness (as if we don't have enough of it), the computer supports them. Look.

This is:

Itachi -/.\- Deidara 0\/ Zetsu \0.0/

Kisame =0_0= Tobi Sasori -.-

Hidan . Kakazu $-$ Pein/Pain -: :-

(Yes that was crack but I didn't come up with it. Really it came off a fanfiction profile.)

Something to keep in mind:

There is no shame in being a fangirl. Embrace your inner fangirl! But that's not a good excuse (translation legal justification) for certain unacceptable (illegal) actions. Control your inner fangirl (and yourself) with a steady supply of beautiful/funny/sexy fanart and fanfictions. (You have a good start on that.)

We like to think of the Naruto fandom as a big family (it's a cheesy cliché example but understood by all). Now as your big siblings we just want you to know we don't care if your boyfriend/girlfriend dresses weird, talks funny, or even sparkles. We just want you to be happy but we will kill anyone who DARES touch our plushies and we expect you to do the same.

Defend your plushies. It's ok to run around the house screaming, "Not my plushie you bitch!" (There's nothing wrong about calling her a bitch; she's a female dog.) They're the only Akatsuki members you can hug without feeling any pain. (The figurines aren't very good at hugging.)

A professional doctor trained in a whole lot of complicated stuff should examine the mental health of any Akatsuki before you decided to attempt a relationship and another exam should be performed before and after meeting your parents. (The member HAS to pass this test. [It may seem obvious but consider this the warning label on your coffee that says that it's hot.])

It is inappropriate to wake the any member up by tying them to the bed or anything else.

Rape is not a wakeup call. (If they're asleep when you yell surprise it is rape.)

We are not sure of the laws regarding rape in the Naruto world. We advise you to obey the laws of our world until you are sure what exactly you can get away with. Once you're sure however, do whatever you want to do as long as you are sure you'll survive. (We're not referring to the fact that the Akatsuki can kill you. We mean that you will obviously have a massive noise bleed and that may be the death of you.)

No matter how many fanfics and fanart is made of a couple it does make the couple canon. (The only exception to this is TentenXNeji.)

Making an Akatsuki shrine is not creepy and obsessive. It's a creative way to endorse your fandom. (It can also help you win some contests and get your picture published on a website, that you don't run, in a Fanbook, or in a magazine.)

A pet named after the/an Akatsuki is adorable. (If I ever get a ferret with black markings he will be named Itachi. [If I get a white one he will be named Draco.])

Other Akatsuki fans are not your enemy. Even if they mock your favorite member try to be like Deidara and Sasori. Respect their opinions but realize that there are bigger fish to fry or jinjuriki to catch however you prefer it. (You can always try to assassinate them later like a true ninja.)

Any good boyfriend/girlfriend will understand if you leave them for one of the smexy Akatsuki. In fact they should encourage you to do so if the opportunity arises if they really care about you. (Remember that this only applies if the Akatsuki in mind doesn't want to main or kill you.)

If you start dating a Naruto Cosplayer be aware that you may start developing some love for that character.

Cosplayers are not the character they portray. If you want Itachi don't date an Itachi cosplayer, you'll only be traumatized when don't act in character, go to Naruto universe and get your Itachi!

Cosplayers:

First off we would like to salute your awesomeness. That being said, remember that although you are awesome the Akatsuki are awesomer. (Awesomer is not a word. The correct phrase is 'the Akatsuki are more awesome.)

You should always go all out. Buy those contacts! Paint your nails! Get In Character! (If you want lots of fangirls to squeal their heads off stay in character and you use catch phrases.)

Do not use cosplay to get laid. (We know some fans might be willing but it's disrespectable to the character you are portraying. Unless of course you character would do that. If that is the case then we won't push our morals onto you.)

If you cosplay, people will want pictures.

Be aware that if you dress as an Akatsuki at a convention you will be glomped.

Do not try to run from a fangirl. The running and screaming that will occur only attract more fangirls. (You can't out run them because they'll never give up or run out of energy.)

Keep in mind that the fangirls love the character. They love that you're dressed as him/her. They don't love you, not like that.

Unanswered questions:

Does the Akatsuki know about the internet? (That would explain why no videos have been banned or their creators subdued [violently murdered])

Why do they make a plushie of the robo Pain but not the Deva path?

Is there ANYBODY that Sasuke hasn't been paired with?

Is it considered animal abuse if you make your pets cosplay? (We don't think it is; beside, we have such wonderfully evil…wonderful ideas.)

Do you count Team Taka has part of the Akatsuki?

Who caught the Harry Potter reference? (There were two.)

_This will be the final edition of the Akatsuki Fangirl Guide. (At least for the foreseeable future. This statement will most likely be outdated by the middle of December.)This is due to the increase demand on the editors time, others interest in what she's doing on the computer, and the inquiries about her mental health. _

_If you need something to blame, blame the latest fandom she joined. Those who guess correctly get a limited edition Akatsuki air guitar! (Want a hint to what it is? Here it comes.) _

_Hasta la Pasta!_


	4. Christmas Edition

**The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide**

_Question: How obsessed is the editor? Answer: So obsessed that the morning after the 3__rd__ edition came out she was going over her schedule and her thoughts very quickly turned to the Akatsuki. Need proof?_

_Here's the thought process (grammar be forgotten) Paper due Monday, then Thanksgiving, classes done in early December, a month long break, seriously happy about that, lots of free time around Christmas, I can actually decorate, decorate, decorate, (That was a long echo filled with flash backs of Christmas's long past. Now the thoughts go really fast.)Christmas tree, Zetsu, I have to do a Christmas edition! _

_And this edition was started moments afterward. The longest edition (in terms of pages not words)yet!_

_Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto, the Akatsuki, or any Christmas carols or movies mentioned. In fact we don't own much more than a keyboard and some books. (Yes that's the royal we appearing above. Pein should start using the royal we and dressing up like royalty. What if he dressed like a princess? O.o)_

Zetsu is not a Christmas tree. (He bites when you try to put the garland on.)

Zetsu doesn't like figgy pudding. Finger pudding is ok. (We know that is a terrible play on words but had to do it.)

Hidan and Pein have issues with Christmas (or any religious holiday for that matter). Presents are awesome but it's the religious part they disagree with. (Hidan is a Jashinist and Pein thinks he's a god.)

Kakazu holds the Holiday bonuses hostage. If anyone wants the money they have to get past him. (And you thought getting a good bonus was hard.)

Deidara gives to the charities that have buckets/jar thingys out to collect money. But he doesn't give money he gives them something worth even more, the knowledge of true art.

Deidara isn't that fond of Jingle Bombs. He likes the beginning but the ending isn't "artistic" enough.

Keep in mind that the Akatsuki is very creative, they DO have two artists, and they get do bored when they stand in the never ending lines at check out after hearing the same cheerful happy holiday tune for the sixth time that day. In their boredom, and insanity, they've come up with some very creative alternate versions of your favorite carols. (Be prepared to be traumatized and to have all your most cherished holiday memories torn to shreds.)

Checkout lines are much shorter when you go shopping with an Akatsuki. Everyone either runs away screaming or they die.

Dear Mother Nature:

Kisame wants snow for Christmas, he even asked Santa for some, and we would like to second this request. It is our belief that you could help Santa with this heartfelt wish.

Sincerely,

The Council of Fans

PS: We will quicken global warmings' effect and kill you if this wish doesn't become reality.

Itachi does not like the cold.

Christmas holds many traumatizing memories for Itachi. (Keep reading to find out why.)

Konan insists that the tree decorations must all be homemade. (This apparently reminds her of her long deceased parents.) Kakazu encourages this. (Assuming they're the kind made from berries, applesauce, and paper. He doesn't want anything expensive.)

Konan encourages (forces) other members to help decorate.

Every year at some point during the process of decorating half of the decorations mysteriously catch on fire. (Weird right?)

Konan likes to make to make angel decorations. (This is not only a holiday thing.)

Tobis' reaction to Christmas is much worse than whatever you think. He gets so hyper decorations get ripped off the wall and shattered due to his hyper tornado. (This may have been Madaras' goal along.)

Don't tell Tobi that Santa isn't real. (Ame has enough floods caused by the rain; let's not have one caused by tears. OK?)

Tobi is not allowed to get a bibi gun for Christmas. He only has one eye and he can't risk shooting it out.

Madara makes a wish list each year but there aren't many items on it. Don't misunderstand; it fills up a really thick scroll. But his wishes are mostly who he wants dead not things like a coffee mug although the jinjuriki are on the list.

The perfect gift for Madara would be anger management. Come to think of it the whole Akatsuki should get some kind of therapy. (We mean this lovingly.)

Sasori doesn't look like a young Santa Claus. He has NO relation to him. Having red hair like all the classic Christmas films show Santa to have is not a solid basis for such a conclusion. (Sasori also denies being related to Gaara but really, red hair isn't common and they're both from Suna so it's possible. [In fact I would be overjoyed if I happen to see a fic in which Sasori is Gaaras' father and that's why the past Kazekage hated him.])

The red icing on the cookies may not have red food dye in them.

Fruit cake is a lethal weapon in itself but when it's in Akatsuki hands the world should start praying.

The Akatsuki has no plan to steal Christmas, yet. (This may change once Kakazu finds out how much they could make by holding it hostage or selling it on eBay.)

The Akatsuki no longer receives coal. (There are four possible reasons why. The first is that Santa was afraid to give it to them. The second was that Kakazu found out how much that took off the heating bill and was very pleased, causing that present to no longer be a punishment and Santa stopped giving it to them. The third is that Santa can't find the secret lair. Lastly, they're just too sexy for that. )

Santa, who supposedly "can see you when you're sleeping" and who "knows when you're awake," should logically know where you live too. Yet he cannot find the Akatsuki base. However, if he just asked the fangirls they could give him the exact location, estimated time of arrival, and a list of who is doing who (we mean what, who is doing what), when, where, and why. But he never asks, must be because he's a man.

(You know if Santa has those kind of skills maybe he should just join the Akatsuki. [Morals is not an excuse. Deidara didn't want to join but he was made to. Of course morals weren't exactly his problem with joining.])

The Akatsuki receives so many gifts from fangirls they are considering using them to start a charity. (Let me clear this up. They get so many gifts that they have run out of energy and creative ways to destroy them. But there's so much left that it compromises their secret lairs. [Notice the plural lairs.] It's that bad.)

Many of the Akatsukis' gifts are not appropriate for young people. (We're going to leave what exactly they were up to your imagination.) Needless to say when Itachi joined this was a problem. (He was only 13.)

Gift exchanges, other than ones between partners and Konan, are forbidden in the Akatsuki. (The members were using it as an excuse to get back at each other. Some of these revenge gifts included: shredded money for Kakazu, gold fish food for Kisame, and bombs from Deidara.)

The Akatsuki upgrade their security system for Christmas. It's like their gift to themselves.

The Akatsuki have tried to put out cookies for Santa in the past, they'd been drinking too much eggnog, but Tobi ate them all.

The Akatsuki do not have special holiday robes. If they did they most certainly would not be red with white fur trimming and have green glittery stars on them.

The members of the Akatsuki certainly did not receive such robes as gag gifts from Konan.

Konan gets gifts for everyone every year. (Unless they _really _upset her and then she withholds it until they have made their way back into her good graces.)

NOONE is allowed to even approach the gifts before it's time to open them, not even if it is to retrieve the remote. Peaking is punishable with death- so declares the avenging angel Konan and (reluctantly) Pain.

The Akatsuki are permitted by the ever gracious Pain to pig out and get drunk for the Holiday. (We think that Pain enjoys the food but won't admit it. We also think that there is a reason that alcohol was banned from certain members [mentioned in an earlier edition] and that problems such as those don't go away by turning a blind eye to them. [Take that as a lesson; don't run away from your problems. Good deed done, I'm on the good list! Ok, maybe not.])

Pain is actually like Scourge. He spends Christmas Day working at his desk. But when the sun goes down he's a party animal. (All those parties are private and we know he's parting with someone but we're not sure about whom.)

There is a limit to how many cookies and other goodies the Akatsuki is allowed to eat. There is a reason for this; (Other than obvious issue of giving sugar to the Uchihas) their S-class shinobi they can't be defeated because they were allowed to get out of shape. (Although Zetsu would be pleased that they were fattened up before he ate them.)

Some members wake up early on Christmas day. This is so they can quickly escape the horrors they would rather not see/be a part of.

Konan insists that everyone try on the all the gift they receive. Regardless of how small the garment may be. (She sells the pictures or at least she used to. They make perfect stocking stuffers.)

A few members spend the holidays with a special someone. (You know in Japan it's more of a couples thing and, let's quote Japan from Hetalia, for "battle in shopping mall" [A Hetalia reference Merry Christmas to the one who'll most likely strangle me. The sad thing is that she knows who she is and is laughing at me right now.])

The Lair:

The Akatsuki is required to be in the same lair during the Holidays. (It's not for the feeling of togetherness but rather for the feeling of safety achieved when they've become a smaller target for fangirls,)

All of the hidden lairs have a different theme for their decorations.

Ame is really hard to decorate. The rain short circuits anything that isn't secure and you could be electrocuted. Anything paper practically melts away. Plus, Pain doesn't really like decorating so the rain practically is pelting you the whole time.

It doesn't snow in Ame. (Kisame is very disappointed.)

Christmas trees are banned in Ame, just like in China, they're a fire hazard. (We really don't see how anything could be considered a fire hazard in the Village Hidden in the RAIN but whatever.)

DO/DON'Ts

Wrapping yourself up to be delivered isn't the best idea. That new security system we mentioned earlier, it includes stabbing some of the gifts. (So please don't try to imitate Cleopatra.)

Don't try to explain "the true meaning of Christmas" to the Akatsuki. It just doesn't work.

Don't try and make the Akatsuki watch any of those feel good holiday movies. Their most terrible ideas are inspired by them.

Don't try and make the Akatsuki go Christmas caroling. (They'll sing but then they'll remove the evidence, you and anyone else that heard.)

(Notice above that they all say "don't try" that's because you will not succeed and if you do you won't be able to tell anyone about it.)

You can ask Santa to get you the Akatsuki all you want but it's not going to happen. There are two reasons for this. The first reason is that Santa would never give such mean and heartless murders to an innocent fan like you. The second (and much more likely reason) is that he knows you and he knows what you have planned and that would automatically put you on the naughty list for many years to come. (The first thing that came to mind when we considered putting this up was that you'd have them harm people for you. Then it occurred to us that there are much naughtier things you'd probably do first. [Though those things would be legal.])

Plushies make good replacements for the true Akatsuki. (Well, depending on what you want them for. They're good to hug, dress up, and they attack your brothers' head [He deserved it!], but not much else.)

We would like to invite you to get a peppermint lollipop, or any one that has swirling colors, and pretend it's Tobi.

Team Taka:

The team gets one day off from searching for Itachi.

Karin isn't allowed to cook; she has used it as an easy way to drug the boys before.

Karin isn't allowed to go shopping around Christmas. No one wants a repeat of the year she bought a festive nighty and sneaked into Sasukes tent to "give him a present."

Jugo, the nice guy he is, buys gift for everyone. (This year Sasuke is getting a rape whistle.)

Suigetsu makes a surprisingly good dinner. (He manages to make quite a few dishes with tomatoes in them.)

Sasuke acts like Grinch but secretly enjoys the holiday season.

Sasuke, like the Akatsuki, must go into hiding during the holiday season. Although, one year some fangirls did manage to kidnap him. (We're very proud…disappointed in you girls.)

Kabuto:

Stay away from Kabuto. He uses all the merriment and good cheer as a cover for recruiting people to assist with his lab work. (People stay away from the alcoholic eggnog. There are worst things that could happen to you other than getting run over by reindeer.)

Kabuto denies having too much eggnog and crying over Orochimaru.

(Don't feel too bad for him. Kabuto has lots of experiments to keep him company.)

His experiments get an extra bread crust for the holidays and the cages are cleaned. (This also means that the lab smells less like rotting flesh. )

Unanswered Questions:

What were the Akatsukis favorite presents they've ever received?

Who would like to contribute to the Get Kisame to the Land of Snow Before Christmas project? (Who would like to help them find a better name for their project?)

Wouldn't Sasori be adorable in a Santa suit? (This is a rhetorical question 'cause we all know he would.)

Did you get a mental picture of Princess Pein when you read the disclaimer? (This is the time that half of you quickly scroll back up and read the disclaimer. Don't deny it I know you did it!)

What are you getting for Christmas?

_If you actually do send a message or review answering one of the unanswered questions I will be so happy that I'll do an embarrassing dance around the house and since it's the season I'll sing Christmas carols loudly and out of tune. (My brother will be scarred for life!)_

_For those of you who are wondering why this is seems to be strictly Christmas I feel that I should explain. Thanksgiving is an American thing. Why not other winter holidays? My family celebrates Christmas. If I tried to do any other holidays in the spirit of appealing to everyone I would have messed it all up and insulted people. So, I kept it safe and stuck to what I knew._

_Happy Holidays!_


End file.
